January 21, 2013
Today is Martin Luther King Day and I wanted to honor Dr. King’s memory and talk a bit about an ordinary Mom’s dreams, a Mom who wants to change the world – to educate people about addiction and mental illness. Twenty-nine years ago, my dream came true and I gave birth to Lance, a beautiful baby boy. He had ten fingers, ten toes and seemed perfect in every way. Fast forward to about 2002, a family of four boys and a journey through the world of drug addiction and mental illness. My dreams turned to nightmares. I never dreamed we would enter into a world I knew nothing about: addiction and later, mental illness…. Without a known family history of addiction and mental illness, these issues were not in my realm of consciousness. Be that as it may, I vowed to do anything I could to save my firstborn son who was smart, athletic, popular, the one everyone looked up to and idolized – until our world crumbled. Today, my dreams are different than they were 29 years ago but I am happy to say they are filled with gratitude, faith and pride. My son’s mental disorder is stable and he is about to celebrate three years of recovery from substance abuse, a true miracle. I encourage you to hold on to your dreams and although they may materialize differently than imagined, we can still find gratitude, peace and serenity. It may not be easy but if I can do it, anyone can!
In memory of Martin Luther King, Jr. and all those who have dreams, keep dreaming and never give up until the miracle happens.
Every day is a struggle, do I get high or do I not get high? This entails everything I have ever worked for. Would you throw that away to spend a night with the devil? Ever since I got clean I have gotten back my friends and family, sanity and a few odd and end things. With all this on my plate, every morning I choose the large cup of coffee over a bag of cocaine for the last 2 years and 11 months. I almost threw away my clean time but by the grace of G-d I will have 3 years clean on February 11th. Why does G-d give us a choice to make? The answer is very simple, for every reason in the world you stay clean, but I have learned to believe the devil was the test. G-d created her to give us options. Do I make a left or do I make a right? I finally chose right! The only reason I ever got high was to self medicate, to heal my pain and sorrow, but most importantly my mental illness was what really was bothering me and drove me to the drugs. I know that if you choose right life’s miracles will come to you. I am not promising you the sun, the moon and stars but you will be free from your sickness a/k/a addiction, and all kinds of mental disorders that stem from the wrath of drugs. My drug of choice was ecstasy. I thought it was the closest feeling to heaven. But I was wrong! G-d did not make heaven in a pill form. It’s unfathomable today what I believe heaven is. It could be the ultimate relief of not getting high and experiencing happiness in life, whether it is the birds chirping on a nice day, piece of mind, or a sunny day on the beach. Materials things would include, the birth of a child, a wife, house and money. I made the right choice today; I believe so strongly that one day a higher power will pay me back, not necessarily in luxury but in serenity and peace. If you are struggling with schizophrenia like me, there is a better way of life. You can always count on your belief that this too shall pass but if you have a mental illness, it usually doesn’t without the proper help. My disorder took me to places you can only imagine, but the story is true. This is part of my story and my struggle, how about yours?
Lots of love,